The hidden form of childhood trauma: emotional neglect

“Dad, guess what happened in school today!”

“I don’t want to go to school, the kids are mean.”

“Look at me swing so high mama!”

“I am tired of being sick, I want to play like the other kids!”

How parents and caregivers handle these situations over time can have a major impact on us.

When we think about childhood trauma, most of us think about things like abuse, scary events, something happening to us. But there is another form of childhood trauma that most people don’t realize can be even more painful: the needed emotional connections that don’t happen.

Emotional neglect in childhood is the absence of the kind of consistent care, support, attention and validation that children need from their parents and caregivers. Without them, children may not be able to develop positive emotional states the way that other children do, and this can lead to issues of self esteem, difficult managing emotions, feeling unworthy, distant from loved ones, self critical, and even depression in adulthood.

This is because emotional neglect can affect how the brain develops—for example, as fewer times being hugged and loved on means fewer times the brain triggers the release of feel-good endorphins that support the immune system, relaxation response, and promote healthy sleep patterns.

How emotional neglect can happen

There are a lot of situations that can lead to the experience of emotional neglect, and often this happens because of the family situation, rather than any harmful intention on the part of parents and caregivers.

• When parents divorce, go through their own trauma, are struggling with life, or even pass away, the chaos that often occurs can leave the children feeling alone with their feelings.

• When parents are depressed, anxious, or struggling with their own emotions or an addiction, children often keep their own needs hidden so as not to add to the parent’s stress.

• A family with many children or children born close together, where the focus can be the external care needs of the child with less or little time spent attending to emotions. When parents are really busy, emotional needs like being listened to, held, comforted, or praised and validated can be set aside in order to attend to work, meals, and running the household.

• When a child has a chronic or severe illness, and has to spend a lot of time alone or in hospital, they need even more support. They may have fears about their safety that their parents aren’t able to attend to or address.

• When a parent experienced their own childhood trauma, that can often have an impact on their children, both through genetic transmission and due to triggers that can occur as they watch their children grow that remind them of their childhoods.

• Emotional neglect can even occur due to personality differences between a child and their parents, such as difference in sensitivity, introversion/extroversion, giftedness, or risk taking. When these differences are present, unless the parent is attuned to the difference, parents can miss crucial windows of needed emotional support and attunement.

Of course not everyone who goes through these situations experiences emotional neglect. Some children who go through these things are lucky enough to get support from very emotionally attuned caregivers, teachers, aunts or uncles, coaches, or counselors that mitigate the effects these situations can bring about.

However, because the effects of emotional neglect can be quite subtle, often parents don’t realize it is happening, and doctors, teacher or other caregivers don’t recognize the signs. If your needs for care, attention, or validation went unmet in childhood, you may have experienced emotional neglect.

The impact of emotional neglect in adulthood

The effects of waiting, watching, longing to have your feelings heard can last a lifetime.

• Relationships: Common challenges show up in how we relate to others, such as feeling emotionally distant, fears of abandonment, difficulty trusting others, or lacking self confidence or self esteem in our relationships. It might show up as feeling you need to push aside your own needs in relationships, that your needs will never be met, or that you are too needy.

• Mood : Chronic feelings of depression, emptiness, or low energy. Many adults realize that these feelings could be traced back to their childhood.

• Self Esteem: Do you have an inner critic that says negative things to you about your worth, abilities, or value? Often childhood emotional neglect leads to self-critical parts that blame you for your feelings.

• Health: Research is showing that emotional neglect in childhood can lead to sleep issues and chronic health issues in adulthood. Adults with chronic health conditions often report childhood neglect or trauma.

• Your Children: Your childhood emotional neglect lives on in these symptoms and can even affect your own children if unresolved as they struggle to make sense of your feelings and behaviors.

Recovery can improve your life and relationships.

There are ways to help yourself undo the effects of emotional neglect. The first is to recognize that your past, like all of our pasts, can affect you in the present. It can be very helpful to journal or talk to a trusted friend to explore what your experiences with your caregivers and your emotions were like in childhood and how you managed them. Imagine what you would say to your best friend’s child if they were in your situation—how would you respond to them? This can help you get distance and build compassion for what you went through.

A therapist who is well versed in psychodynamic therapy or internal family systems therapy, who treats complex PTSD, or is versed in attachment-based approaches, can guide you futher in learning how to heal from the effects of emotional neglect so that you have closer more fulfilling relationships with your friends and family, and more importantly, with yourself.

I work with many individuals who are on the path of emotional healing and recovery. If you live in Colorado and would like to work with me, check out my website at www.arborcounseling.com, give me a call to set up a free consultation at 970-698-6488, or click the link below to message me.